Giving and Receiving

Thinking back, as a child I had a lot of strange and quirky habits, some of which I wish I could go back and tell myself not to develop.  I got attached to clothes, I would cry when my mom told me it was time to throw away my favorite T-shirt with holes in it, or even worse my leather sandals.  I cried so hard about those little leather sandals that, despite their horrid smell, my family let me give them a home on our front porch where no one would have to endure their stench.  That nasty habit of collecting and crying over clothes, I could have done without.
I have some habbits that still affect me today (that will not land me on a TLC hoarders episode). I walked, and still do walk, everywhere on my tip toes. My whole family has called me tippy toes ever since. I have tried so many different things to keep the heels of my feet on the ground. But alas nothing has worked so far, it looks like I will be tippy toes for good and that is okay with me.

And then there are some habits that have deeply affected how I see the world.  Prayer always seemed so simple in the idea of praying for ourselves but a bit more complex in  praying for others.  Whoever taught me about prayer explained it a little like this.. "When you pray, you should pray for others because if you pray for them you can help them".  As a five or six year old, I was overwhelmed with this idea that my prayers could change people and that other peoples happiness or wholeness could be dependent upon my prayers. 
My response, was to pray for everyone in the whole world. Every time we were in the car I would sit  and pray for the woman in the van next to us and for her husband and children and her children's friends and parents- hoping that these prayers would eventually effect everyone.  But at such a young age this idea that I could chain prayer these people into the Kingdom and love of Christ was actually exhausting.

Eventually my car chain prayer habit ceased, but new more discrete ways to become exhausted through giving took over.  Service projects.  I began participating in mission trips, service projects, city clean up days.. all these things are good things.  It was not the service itself that was unhealthy or in the giving to others that was not fulfilling. 

It was in the taking. 

When I entered into these situations I offered something, a bag of canned goods, arms to lift rubble or someone to talk to.  And by coming to serve for a short term, I also unintentionally offered myself in a position of perfection and authority.  I had it together enough that I could come and "fix" their problems quickly; That my friends and I in the youth group could some how save the world in our giving. 

There was something missing, in the taking.  There was something beautiful to be had in receiving from those who had also received from you.  There was something to be expressed in my action of receiving that would show our equality in humanity, our equality in the church and our equality in the eyes of Christ. And when I denied myself of receiving I denied that other person in their giving. 

My prayers look a little differently now.  I have realized that prayer for others is mysterious and beautiful in a lot of ways, and i will never understand it fully.  I have also realized, however, that my prayers for others are just as healing for me as they are for them.  I have learned, the hard way of course, that when Jesus commanded us to pray for our enemies it was not because Jesus knew what jerks they were and that they just needed a whole lot of prayer.  But because Jesus knew that somewhere in praying for others, in connecting ourselves to others, their troubles and joys would also become ours.  In prayer for others we could change the lives of others, but ultimately our own.  We could become whole through the giving and receiving.

This September I am embarking on a new journey.  I am moving to Atlanta to be a part of an organization called Mission Year.  Mission Year's goal is simply this: Love God, Love people and nothing else matters.  I will be giving 30 hours or more each week of my time to a specific organization in Atlanta.  This could be working at a homeless shelter, an elementary school or in a prison ministry- I find out my placement this summer.  I will be living with the other volunteers in a house in the neighborhood we are serving in.  I will be serving the city through weekly city service projects.  I will serve the church by partnering with a local church and finding a place to serve.  My team and I will hold a weekly dinner for our neighbors.  We will also have devotion time each morning and city wide worship each weekend. 
I am so excited to give of myself and serve the city of Atlanta.

I am also, so excited to receive.
I can not wait to meet my neighbors and teammates, to hear their stories and gain their wisdom.  I am excited to let my teammates learn my weird and quirky habits and to also learn theirs. I am not going to Atlanta to fix anything.  I am not going to Atlanta to save anyone. I am going to Atlanta to live. To live how the early apostles lived, in community giving and receiving through Christs love.  I hope that you will come along side me in prayer for this next year.
 
This is the link to my fund-raising page and this is my personal donation code.
(12-9029) www.missionyear.org/donate/
"I have come so that you may have life and have it to the full"- Jesus

Primates, Beggars and Bakers.

As much as I hate to admit, I have an obsessive personality. 

Not in the lifetime movie, I-need-to-be-obsessed-with-someone-and-I-am-going-to-cheat-and-lie-and-kill-my-husband-to-get-what-I-want, way.

More like the when-I-find-something-that-interests-me-I-am-going-to-focus-on-it-wholeheartedly way.

So when seven year old me watched a special edition animal planet episode of Jane Goodall and her Chimpanzees, I was gone.  My heart now belonged to the chimps.  I was going to study them, learn them and come up with cures, solutions and fixes for their endangerment. 

I soon outgrew my animal planet fantasy and through the years of learning about human trafficking, the AIDS pandemic, world poverty, the water crisis, racism.. (and the list goes on) I often become obsessed with new causes- thinking how can I fix this? This year some friends and I raised 1,000 dollars for the world water crisis.  This will be able to provide clean drinking water to 100 people for life.  While the action and the money and the intent itself are not bad in themselves (after all the money will go to change peoples lives);  I wondered through the process, is this really the best way?

Should I really be turning people into projects for my peers and friends to participate in? 

I was in Chicago last weekend. You see a lot of homeless people in Chicago but one man in particular was simply asking for food, not money, just a meal.  We offered him some of our popcorn but his teeth were too rotten to eat it.  Our bus had just pulled up, but we were determined to get this guy some food. My friend and I ran across the street to a bakery and started grabbing food, questioning prices and handing the cashier money.  She seemed put off and annoyed.  Did she not know we were trying to feed the homeless here?! 

Before shuffling out the door I caught another glimpse of her.  She was tired and looked worn out.  Her apron was dirty and her lips were turned down.  It may seem little and insignificant.  Yes I paid the woman and told her to keep the change, but if I would have just slowed down long enough,

I would have seen that she may not have been hungry for food but she was hungry for love and kindness and I denied her of that through our encounter.

How often have I done this though, turning people into projects, trying to fix them and find solutions to their problems.  Even if I do not consciously mean to, how often do I develop a Machiavelli attitude; believing that the end is justification for the means?  It was all about getting that homeless man a muffin in the moment, when it should have just been about loving whoever I encountered.

Walking around Chicago with thousands of other people made me feel pretty small.  The truth is, I am small. I will never be able to save the poor beggar or the poor in spirit, let alone the primates;).  My God is the only one who can truly save.  It was when I saw the impact of my encounters though that I realized, I may be small but so is this world.  Each expression of love matters in this little earth that we live in.

"Dear children let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth"